The Story and Secrets of Remus Lupin
by Khashana
Summary: Remus Lupin never told the full truth to anyone. Slash. SBRL. Canon-compliant.


Warnings: M/M slash, don't like don't read. Character death, but happy ending. Spoilers for PoA-DH.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Plot bunny is all I lay claim to.

A/N: Name adapted from The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore.

* * *

Nymphadora Tonks was young, beautiful, whole, untarnished. She could have anyone. But she wanted him.

It confounded Remus.

He was broken, aged beyond years by the curse, the curse that she couldn't possibly understand, the curse that set him apart until in his worst moments, he knew himself to be completely alone, the curse that left him scarred, both physically and mentally. And he was still mourning for Sirius.

Sirius, the one person who could make him feel whole. The one person who looked at Remus with eyes that said, I understand. The only person Remus had ever loved. He could not tell Nymphadora that, though. They had kept their relationship a secret as teenagers, to avoid further ostracization of Remus—an act on Sirius' part he was incalculably grateful for. Habit had continued into young adulthood, and had become law when Sirius was arrested—how could Remus admit to having loved a murderer? Especially without admitting he still loved him? When Sirius had escaped and Remus had discovered his innocence, they had quietly restarted their relationship, but what point was there in breaking twenty-five years' silence how?

Sirius was on the run for so long, and when Dumbledore finally found a place for him, they'd had only one short year to figure out how to make things work before Sirius was snatched out from under Lupin's eyes by death. A year was not long enough to mourn. But nobody knew he was mourning for his lover, nobody knew that Remus could not love another so soon, not when twelve years' believing the man had murdered his best friends could not extinguish that love. Maybe later, now that he had no far-fetched hopes, no guilty fantasies to hold him up, maybe in another twelve years he could open his heart again, or maybe he was just too broken.

But they didn't know that, and Remus saw no reason to tell them.

He gave up out of sheer exhaustion and married the girl.

He shouldn't have done it, he hadn't realized what it was like to be married, the way she would eat out his soul with her exuberance and love, and he was horrified beyond belief when he found he'd impregnated her. Everything he told Harry as he tried desperately to leave her was true, but with practiced ease, he left out the rest of the truth.

Harry laid it out in black and white, the spitting image of his father in that moment. Remus had chosen his path when he married Tonks. Feelings like love, grief, fear, and shame paled next to duty.

He was genuinely happy when his child was born. It was easy not to look at the woman who'd birthed him as he stared in wonder at his child, easy to stare into those eyes and see them not as Nymphadora's, but as Sirius', her cousin, who had the same family eyes. He had mixed feelings about the curse that hit him at the Battle at Hogwarts, until he opened his eyes seconds, or hours later, surrounded by white mist. He pondered his options for a few moments, then stood, finding himself naked. Running his hands over his face, he discovered his scars were gone.

"Rem."

He turned on the spot, and there was Sirius, grinning that wonderful grin, years shed from his body and face, looking as though he'd never been to Azkaban. Sirius held out his arms and Remus walked into them, clasping his best friend and lover into a hug. In a moment, he realized that he was still naked, while Sirius was wearing a robe. Instead of wishing for clothes, though, he tugged at Sirius' clothes with a hand and felt Sirius smile into his arms. At once they were both naked, standing together as they'd always meant to be, bare before each other.

It wasn't an arousing position, the way it would have been if he were alive, just right, the way it hadn't been for Nymphadora.

"Siri," he whispered. "I married a woman. I'm so sorry."

"Shh," Sirius whispered back. "I understand why you did it."

"It wasn't right, though. I didn't love her."

"You do, in a way. She's part of you, same as I am, and here she can be what you need, and you can be what she needs, without giving me up."

"I can make everyone happy? That's a first. I must be in Heaven."

"Did you ever doubt it? I mean, I'm here." Sirius flashed his trademark grin, and Remus kissed him.

"It doesn't look like Heaven," he said. "Not what I imagined it to be, anyway."

"What does it look like to you?"

Remus was about to say he didn't know, when he found an answer on the tip of his tongue.

"It's the Shrieking Shack," he said, "only without all the broken furniture. And no trapdoor back to Hogwarts."

"That, I imagine, is because there is no going back," answered Sirius. "Your time is up."

"I wish I could have said goodbye to Harry. And to Nymphadora."

"You might get to say goodbye to Harry," said Sirius cryptically. "I've been keeping an eye on him all this time, and Dumbledore's planned a few last surprises for him. And Tonks is here, like I told you."

"Wait a minute. Nymphadora's here? She's dead?"

"She followed you, was killed by Bellatrix, trying to avenge your death and mine."

Remus closed his eyes sadly. "My boy…my boy, without any parents…"

Sirius laid a hand on his shoulder.

"He's beautiful," he whispered. "Harry will take good care of him."

"You said you've been watching everything. Can I see?" asked Remus, feeling like a small child asking for an explanation of a complex adult concept.

"Sure," said Sirius. His face fell a little. "I am required to tell you, though, that there is a trapdoor back to Hogwarts if you take it. Become a ghost." The trapdoor appeared, and Remus looked at it for a moment. He could help raise his child…but his child would join him eventually, and would have Harry before that, and Remus knew ghosthood was forever.

"No way," he replied, slipping his hand into Sirius'. "I'm not letting you slip away again." Sirius beamed at him, and indicated the door of the Shrieking Shack, the same door they'd escaped through so often as kids. Remus opened it, and they stepped through.

_Fin._


End file.
